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every family has a picky eater. mine has three.
Bet you’re all wondering where I’ve been. I really have no excuse, other than the new place I moved into has almost no natural light, which means that taking pictures of food here has been a real problem.
But I’m working on it, and soon we’ll all be happy again. In the meantime, while I figure out what to do with lighting, I wanted to open a discussion on how to end pickiness at the dinner table.
You all know I want my kids to eventually have some degree of sophistication when it comes to eating, and nothing shouts bad manners louder than someone who turns his or her nose up at something served for dinner (Tripe and sweet breads, of course, being the obvious exceptions to this. I believe those and other similar cuisine entitles the one served to get up and run as far away from the dinner table as possible).
My daughter is about as picky as they come. She won’t eat pasta. Ever. This includes noodles of all kinds and in all cuisines.
So here is a list of techniques, suggestions, philosophies, etc. that I try to use. I’m not uber consistent, so maybe by writing it down, I’ll start to be better about the whole thing, and one day my three little lovelies will be as unpicky as I am.
1. Be as consistent as you can. This is sometimes very hard, as life is insane for everyone. But if at all possible, try to serve meals at the same time every day. My grandmother used to actually serve the same meals every week: spaghetti on Wednesday, franks and beans on Saturday (unless it was summer, then she served crab), some sort of roast on Sunday, etc.
2. Don’t force anything on them. I think this may actually be the reason my 6-year-old still won’t eat pasta. I may or may not have possibly made her eat some once. Maybe. Either way, I learned it isn’t such a good idea. The best thing to do is just put out the meal and say, “This is what I have made. You may choose to eat it, or you may choose not to eat it, but I am not making anything else. Out next meal will be tomorrow morning at 7:00.”
3. Parents decide when and what to serve, children decide if and how much they will eat. That line, or something close to it, came from a book I read in college with a title like How to Keep Your Kid from Getting Fat (I tried finding it on amazon, and couldn’t, but it was something like that). If you consistently follow this rule, the power struggle should eventually go away.
4. If you can’t say anything nice about the food, then go to bed. Just kidding, though I’m sure that is how many a night has played out at our house. Just keep the rule that no food will ever be discussed at the table unless it is to say thank you or pay a compliment. If a child does not like something, they are not to talk about it, nor are they allowed to push the plate away (unless they want to sit on their beds until next Thursday). To remedy the issue of a child in too close a proximity to the gag inducing food, see suggestion #5.
5. Serve things family style. Family style is simply putting the food out in serving dishes in the middle of the table and allowing the children to pick what they want on their plates. This is also good for teaching them to say, “Please pass the _______.”
6. Don’t make dessert a reward for clearing their plates. Most people who write this suggestion say it’s because you don’t want to send the message that the ice cream is better than the broccoli and beans . But we all know that ice cream is, in fact, much better than broccoli and beans. Kids aren’t stupid. They’ll figure that out without our help (or the help of the new diatetically correct Cookie Monster).
I don’t like to make them eat all their food to earn the dessert for a few reasons. Here are a couple of them: for one, they come to expect a dessert, and when there isn’t one, you’ve suddenly lost your bargaining chip. For another, when we make them eat a whole plate of food, chances are they won’t have much room for dessert. But they will eat it anyway. This only makes them ignore their bodies’ natural signal to stop eating when they are no longer hungry, and conditions them to overeat when simple sugars and fat are close at hand.
My solution is to serve dessert once a week, or maybe twice. And I simply serve it as the last course. Everyone gets some, regardless of who ate the first or second courses (Don’t worry. I don’t believe I have ever served a 3 course meal). Since it only gets served every once in awhile, instead of every night, the kids learn they have to eat the healthy food if they don’t plan on starving.
7. Serve food in an appealing way. And I’m not talking about serving pear halves with almonds and carrots stuck in them to make them look like rabbits. I’m talking about serving food on nice plates, in an appetizing manner, as if you were serving dinner guests. Unless you’re too tired. For goodness sakes, don’t kill yourself over it, but if you were to have the time to consider serving canned fruit fashioned into small woodland creatures, then think gourmet instead. (Bunnies and smiley face pancakes are great for lunch and breakfast, though, when things are a little more relaxed around the house, and it’s just you and the 3-year-old).
8. Have the children help with the cooking. If they know what’s going into the food, and they feel they are a part of the process, chances are, they’ll be more willing to try things. At least, that’s what everyone says. Still hasn’t worked for my 6-year-old.
9. If you know will be serving something your kids absolutely hate, be sure to set out something you know they will like. For example, if I’m serving lasagna, I know my daughter would just be staring at her plate feeling left out and frustrated that there is nothing for her. So, I’ll usually set out some crusty bread and butter or a salad (or crappy bread and carrot sticks—whatever I have on hand). This way, she at least will feel part of the meal and eat something.
10. Make conversation and togetherness the emphasis at mealtimes, not what is being eaten. My mom always says that when you have a picky eater, don’t talk about the food much. Just put it in front of the child and talk about something else. If you can encourage them to take a bite or try something they are apprehensive about, great. But the second it starts turning into a fight, drop it. Sometimes the food simply becomes a way for the child to exert their independence rather than something to enjoy. If they won’t taste it, change the subject to something safer, like religion or politics.
Look at that, I made it a nice even ten! What things work well for you? And what do you think is the weirdest thing your kids are picky about?
My kids are picky about kid food they won’t eat it! For example Mac n’ cheese, chicken nuggets, Ketchup and cheese? It’s fine with me just interesting.
Best thing my husband and I decided when our kids were little is to not worry about what our kids eat at holiday parties or family get togethers. If they are too excited to eat anything they always catch up next meal. Nothing worse then someone at a party standing over their children forcing them to eat.
Darling children you have, my dear! Great tips. I’m lucky to have one that is willing to try just about anything. I just recently got him enjoying salad, which was a big feat. We used to use the “dessert as a reward” trick when he was little though. Worked for us since dessert is what he lives for & it got him to try new things.
I actually do use the dessert as a reward sometimes, but usually just so my kids will taste something. “If you take one bite of this chicken, then I’ll let you have a treat.”
Love this post Jaime! Welcome back! My 3 girls are really pretty good eaters, but my 4 year old boy is the worst! My hubby and I think “What did we do different??” I don’t know. I appreciate your suggestions. I especially like #7–not a fan of making bunnies or other woodland creatures with my food either. Letter pancakes are okay for breakfast, but other than that. . .
Love ya!
I loved reading through your tips.
My daughter used to be a great eater of all things, but in the last six months she has gone right off vegetables. Visible ones anyway. And one day the veges she will eat are great, the next day they aren’t.
New stuff is now suspect, even if it’s just the same old things cooked differently.
I could almost live with this, but the little minx will stuff just about anything into her mouth without having a clue what it is if we stop and have Yum Cha for lunch on the weekends.
What’s with that ?!?
Anyway, I think I’ll try tips 4 & 5. We pretty much do a version of the rest. Thanks for some new ideas to try.
I had a simple trick for getting my foster daughter to eat….put ketchup on the table. The kid put it on everything. I couldn’t watch her eat sometimes because I was too grossed out….especially when she put it on her chocolate pudding. Of course, for things like duck or venison, I didn’t have to do a thing. She gobbled those right up.
Thank you so much for the tips. My 5yo daughter is not a bad eater but we do get tired of fighting her on some things. We will definitely be trying the “don’t force food on them” tips and serving family style. A few things I’m surprised that she loves are cucumbers (especially with a dill/oil dressing), pickles and shrimp (served any style). One thing that has worked for us over the years has been little contests like who can eat their next bite of (usually a veggie) first? She always wants to win and it gets her to eat her veggies.
You’ve got gorgeous kids Jamie. Nice post…and yes, I think kids seem to just get pickier & pickier with each generation!
I really enjoyed your post!
You reminded me of when my children were younger (they are now 10 & 12), oh how I fretted & worried about their picky eating habits! In fact, once when I was serving fish for dinner my mom remarked, “Wow, your kids like fish?” and I replied, “Shhh! We call this “a special kind of chicken nugget”. LOL I got my kids to try many a new dish with this kind of re-naming.
Would I advocate speaking less than the truth? No. Do I believe we could all use a marketing degree when it comes to mealtime and parenting? In a word, yes!
Awesome post, Jamie! I once had a friend – a big solidly built man – who told me the story of him trying to get his tiny 3yo daughter to eat green beans. At first he was going to make her eat the whole serving, but two hours after dinner when he and she were still battling it out at the table over the cold green beans, he started the bargaining; just ten beans, baby. Just three beans. Eat one bean for me and we can leave the table and you can have a treat. Here is the final image in this battle of wills; This giant of a man pinning that stubborn girl down on the floor and trying to shove that one bean through her clenched teeth! We laughed and laughed for years over that one. Who won the bean war? I’ll give you one guess…..
Great suggestions. Oh! to have a eater like Charlie at my house.
I love all of these ideas. I’m very lucky that all four of my kids have good eating habits. They pretty much eat everything, even if they don’t like it. It’s interesting to note that kids taste buds work better than adults. Tastes are stronger for them. I alway try to remember that when my kids don’t like what we are eating.
K, if I didn’t “remind” my oldest to rat her fruits and veggies, she would be perfectly content living without them. Well, besides broccoli and spinach. Seriously. Weird that she’ll eat those. I worry about her eating unhealthily, though. She loves sweets and refined white breads. It sounds like we could hire you to come be “supernanny” in our home for a week regarding learnin manners and healthy cooking/eating…
The author that you were quoting in tip #3 is Ellyn Satter. She is a fabulous expert on this topic. Here is her website with more tips and resources: http://www.ellynsatter.com/
Enjoy!
Thanks for these tips. We are struggling with our 6 year old son right now. He won’t eat anything, he turns up his nose at the mention of the word “dinner” my husband is ready to pin him down and force feed him. We have sent him to bed with out food but always give in and let him have some bread or cereal because we don’t like the thought of starving him. We are going crazy right now and meal time is a huge battle, nobody looks forward to. I am going to print this tips off and see how it works for us. Thanks!
Thanks, @Angie, for the name of that book!
And @Jenifer. That is too funny.
@Jen I hope these tips work for you!