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how fiction sees me through
I am not one to assign superlatives to phases of my life (This is my best accomplishment, That was the worst day, This is my favorite movie). But I think, after living through the last ten months, this has been the most difficult time in my life.
I am going through a divorce.
There, I finally said it.
The strange thing is, no one has died. Everyone dies, yet death is never a cliche. Divorce looks a lot like a cliche. But it doesn’t feel like one.
I cannot yet look back on joyful times and laugh, because right now, I can’t make sense of any of them. It feels like many of the happy times between me and my husband may have only been tricks somehow, the memories now marred by questions and doubt.
And maybe that’s why it hurts so much.
I listened to my friend the other day, as she mentioned she was on her way to pick her husband up from work. I felt, alongside the happiness I felt for her, a stab of grief. I envied the normal-ness of it, I guess, and realized how much I missed the happiness I used to feel each time he came home. I loved the long drives to the Salt Lake Airport to pick him up after an endless four day trip, the hope of seeing him again and having him back for three uninterrupted days of togetherness. I loved living in our house near the airport, watching planes overhead, and on rare occasions pointing out to the kids which one was his.
In this transition time, before everything is final, the kids and I moved into a small apartment. As ten men from church helped me load up a truck and move our stuff out of the house and up the stairs into our apartment, I kept criticizing myself for owning too much stuff, knowing I would only have to lug it all back out soon (And as luck would have it, I will be lugging it all back out. Soon. In about a week and a half, actually).
Amidst all my stuff (a lot of which is cooking and baking gear: tart pans, cake stands, cookie sheets, muffin tins, a mixer, food processor, and a potato ricer, to name a few), are my books. Heavy as they are, I cannot justify selling them, or leaving them behind.
I once read in C. S. Lewis’s autobiography
For the most part, I have tried to do the same. I own most of the books I have read recently, and am now trying to get the kids to read them instead of opting for Wii time.
Tucked in shelves around our apartment, and filed in rows along my bedroom floor, are our family’s treasured books. To look at them gives me comfort somehow.
In each one is a story that knows nothing of my problems. The story doesn’t dismiss me, saying it does not care. It simply invites me to have a look at another life, another fantasy, another longing.
I tend to keep my choices light. Right now, I like the stories of people who get what they desire in the end. I like the ones that don’t make me feel guilty for being sad.
I used to wonder what value fiction had. Intellectually, of course, it has value. I suppose I wondered what value it had spiritually.
And for myself, I have decided on my answer to that question. Fiction gives us a moment to step outside ourselves, our friends, our circles, our world, and experience something else.
I am sure a lot of you have guessed, I am a Christian. A Mormon, in fact. In our faith, we believe this life is a test. And I think most religions agree on that to a point—that we are all here to prove ourselves worthy of something beyond this life.
Anyway, I have discovered that reading unravels some of my anxiety. When I can run through Narnia for a bit, or skip through the grounds of Misselthwaite Manor, I can come back to my own problems with a healthier, more positive outlook. The new car that seemed so important before I started the book, now seems a bit immaterial.
And then, I can see life for what it is: a test. Knowing that, I can understand that more importantly than if I pay my rent in time, is if I can give my kids the attention they need right now. More important than having furniture, is the hope that things will change for the better, and the hope of who our children and I will become in the meantime.
love you, friend.
I love you Jaime. Divorce is something you think will never happen to you.
I cannot begin to understand what you’re going through. But you’ve always had a good head on your shoulders, and your children are lucky to have a mother who cares deeply about the development of their bodies, minds and character.
God bless you and your family.
It is right it should be so, Man was made for joy and woe; And when this we rightly know, Through the world we safely go.
- William Blake
Jaime-
What a beautifully written and truly thoughtful post.
I’ll be so sad to lose you in a week and a half. But, feel such delight for what lies beyond the bend in the road for you.
I bet it’s a tremendous, happy adventure.
And, perhaps, a 17-year old vampire whose waited all his life to meet someone like you.
Fingers crossed, eh?
Love you so.
Jaime,
I have been thinking about you a ton lately. You are an amazing person, I love you. I’m sorry things are hard right now, you are going to grow in directions that you never dreamed of. Keep hanging in there.
PS I feel the same way about books
Bravely and beautifully written. I know you have been agonizing over this post for some time.
Books were my escape during my divorce, too. It helped that there was a new Harry Potter that summer.
Our prayers are with you and the kids.
I don’t even know you; but after following your blog for a couple months, I feel like you are someone with whom I have a lot in common. I hurt for you reading this post. It takes a certain kind of strength to give others comfort and peace amidst your own chaos and confusion. Thank you for your courage and may God bless your family in this hard time.
It was like a death, but he was still walking around. . .
The pain was almost unbearable at the time, but, I endured. And God has led me on to some wonderful adventures.
I pray for you to have strength.
I love your courage and faith and perseverance, Jaime. Keep hoping for the best because it WILL happen, all in good time. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself and know that you are loved, loved, loved!
I’m so happy you’re heading my way!
Hey Jamie,
Thanks for letting us know. Now we can be here for you. So sorry you and your beautiful children have to go through this. I read a great book over vacation called “Time is A River” by Mary Alice Monroe it is about a woman who is able to find her own strength after her life is turned upside down. I think you may enjoy it. I hope you will find all the strength you need in this difficult time. Lots of love and prayers your way!!!
Splendid you are! Thanks for putting it out there, but rest assured you are indeed surrounded by good people.
This is a very brave thing you’ve done…. putting your innermost feelings and worries out there. I hope it’s been a little bit cathartic for you. Hang in there.
Jamie,
I feel very sorry for you. I went through this ten years ago and still when I read your lines it turned all my old sorrow on. There are so many strange things about it – friends turning away from you, split families, kids needing your support and at the same time giving you strength back. And all the loneliness and feeling of being betrayed by the fate, yeah words and music can take a lot of your burden away from you.
But listen, I had four kids then and my husband left us for a younger woman. Now I have two more beautiful boys, new husband and a new life all over. And most importantly, we all survived it and are more strong, no doubts. There’s waiting something for you in the future too, don’t worry.
Good luck, Jitka
Oh so poignant and well said. Oh Jaime, I am so sad you’re on your way to Utah, but I’m praying for you, that you find solace and hope there. We will miss you so, so much!
Jeremiahm 29:11
It hit me the other night after we left, who will I go see New Moon with now???
Jaime, although we have never met, I have loved following your blog for the last year, and I just want to tell you this post made me cry. My heart hurts for you and your cute kids as you go through this hard time. May the Lord bless and keep you and yours. I will remember you in my prayers friend because I do consider you a friend. I agree that fiction is so wonderful to see us through so many things. It helps to realign our perspective. Our faith is also such a great sustaining blessing. God bless you my BYU/LRC friend and know you have friends all over thinking of you and praying for your and your children’s happiness!
Jamie,
I love you friend. I’m grateful for the few moments we shared together and I look forward to sharing again sometime in the future.
May the Lord watch over and protect you and your children as you start on this new path in life. Smile, enjoy the sunshine, and cuddle up with a great book.
Much love,
Amber
I am a new follower, but a kindred spirit in the divorce area. I went through it 10 months ago, and never thought it would happen to me. 16 years of temple marriage, and three beautiful children and he threw it all away. It was so difficult, but even ten months later I am feeling my strength come back in so many ways, and I have grown immensely from the whole experience. I wanted to tell you about my favorite talk of all time. It has helped me so much. Here is the link. Please actually watch it if you can. It’s so much more touching than just reading it. It’s Elder Holland’s talk, Lessons from Liberty Jail.
http://www.lds.org/broadcast/ces/0,7341,538-1-61-1521,00.html
All the very best,
ShanaC
just wanted to say how much I appreciate your honesty and bravery in this post. yes, divorce is very, very hard. especially in our church, where we say “yes” to eternity and think that’s what we are getting. I’m sorry for your pain, and for this trial you are passing through. but that’s exactly what it is…a trial. our lives on this Earth are trials and we must endure them well. this is not what you would have wished for, but you will be ok…and yes, you will be stronger and better for it. you will learn things you didn’t think you needed to know. I will remember you in my prayers. when I went through a divorce (15 years ago now) I honestly thought my world would end. I had 5 children under the age of 13, had been a stay-at-home mom, had no real skills for the work force – BUT I had the gospel and my own inner strength. Now, 15 years later, I have three children married in the temple, one more who served a mission but is not married yet, and one who is Laurel class president and has a stronger testimony than lots of returned missionaries! You can make it! You can do this! Rely on your own inner strength, and the help of those who love you. You will make it! And remember to have compassion for your children’s father. He has lost his way and someday will regret this. He will need your understanding (which is hard to come by right now) and your forgiveness.
May the Lord bless you and may you find the strength you need to persevere.
debbie
(p.s. sorry for the long post – and this from someone you don’t even know! I just felt I had to say these things!)
Dear beautiful,clever daughter of God, Brooke’s husband told us about her blog at Education Week. The class was about prayer, and he told about Brooke and her daughter getting an answer to a prayer about a service project that led to Abby. In looking at her blog when I got home I read about you, and thought, my you are wonderful, extraordinary a fabulous mom. Then I clicked over to your blog, and read your poignant entry about the hard time you are having. (Have you seen the Mormon YouTube, “I Hope You Know We Had a Hard Time?”)
I live in San Diego, and am a sister in the gospel. I am much older than you, and want you to know it will get better. Someday you will look back and see the Lord’s hand in this. Suffering is a huge part of this test, and the fire of it will refine you into a more Christlike person. Lean on Him. He loves you. You are an amazing person.
Love, KaraLyn
Though it seems so difficult to believe now, things will get better. You will find a strength you may have doubted that you had, you will find wisdom, and yes, you will wake one morning and you will be happy again, and you will appreciate it all the more. When I was going through my divorce several years ago, a therapist I met by divine providence gave me some advice. She told me to use this time to find out who I truly was, to strengthen the core of the person and mother I wanted to be. I did, and I am happier now than I ever dreamed possible. It will happen for you. God Bless.
From Elder Holland..
“I testify that heaven’s kindness
will never depart from you, regardless of what happens. I testify that bad days come to an end, that faith always triumphs, and that heavenly promises are always kept.”
ENSIGN Sept.’09 pg. 33
God bless you and your children… from a new follower
Dear Jaime,
I have enjoyed your blog for some time, and I was just checking in tonight after a bit of an absence. I’m sorry to hear you’ve been going through such a tough time recently. I hope you continue to find strength in the coming days and weeks, and that you put the uncertainty & struggles in the past months behind you.
Wishing you and your children all the best.
Susie
This is my first visit to your beautiful, thoughtful, joyful blog. I’m so sorry to read about the pain you’ve been living through. You are a strong woman, a steel magnolia, and your children are SO blessed that God chose you to be their mother. I cannot stop crying at the thought of what you are going through right now. I am also hopeful for the coming days of increased joy and peace. They are coming. Take care.
I just stumbled across your blog this morning. I wish you the best during this trial. I notice that you have a copy of Beauty on your shelf; have you read Robin McKinley’s Chalice? It helped me get through a transition of my own.
Jaime,
I haven’t had time to stop in to your blog in quite some time so it is with a heavy heart that I am catching up. I’m so very sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time. May God bless and keep you and your beautiful family during this difficult time. Although it may be hard to imagine now, I’m sure he has a splendid future in store for you.
Michele
Jaime, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I don’t know you at all, but you have my sympathy and prayers!
It is by the blood of the Lamb we are redeemed. We are not saved by our own good works, nor by proving ourselves worthy of something beyond this life. We are NOT worthy, but the blood shed by Jesus Christ on the cross IS worthy, and it is by this blood, and THIS blood alone, I am saved.
May the One who is called I AM walk with you in your darkest days, and brightest moments.
John 3:16
Be blessed,
Hello, everyone!
What wonderful words you have all given me! I want you to know, whether I have thanked you personally or not, I appreciate everything you have all written.
I appreciate your thoughts, insights, scriptures, and talk references.
I love you all back!
Hope you all have the loveliest Thanksgiving!